I just don’t know,
Holding on,
But I want to let go.

Living in fire,
I walk through rain,
Wishing the sun would come again.

How can one man have all this pain?

Sitting here,
Shedding tears,
Hoping no one hears,
Reminiscing over all these years.
Clearly missing you,
And everything we used to do;
Baby I swear I did it all for you.

True is my heart,
Truth indeed,
Lady you’re what I need.

Where am I going ?

I just don’t know.
Holding on,
But I want to let go.

Living in fire,
I walk through the rain,
Wishing the sun would come again.

How can one man have all this pain?

Alone I lie,
Eyes dry,
Woman I’m crying inside,
Feelings I can’t hide.

Hard days,
Rough nights,
Trapped in darkness,
Praying for light.
Each second is a struggle;
Every moment a fight.

Where am I going?

I just don’t know.
Holding on,
But I want to let go.

Living in fire,
I walk through the rain,
Wishing the sun would come again.

How can one man have all this pain?

Your hug,
Your kiss,
Your love I miss.
This loneliness
Can’t possibly exist.

Blissful memories I’ll dream,
Switching to nightmares,
Making me scream.

With all my heart,
With all my soul,
it’s your picture I’ll hold
Forever and ever,
Together.
Together we’ll be eternally.

Where am I going?

I just don’t know.
Holding on,
But I want to let go.

Living in fire,
I walk through the rain,
Wishing the sun would come again.

How can one man have all this pain?

The agenda of our so called political leaders is to control the minds, the spirits and the physical activities of the world. These people operate in accordance with a vow of secrecy taken many years before they obtained their present position. These politicians are very dangerous. Their agenda is a “NEW WORLD ORDER”. The order will be laid down by them, but it won’t be for them. Whenever the opportunity presents itself, do yourself a favor and ask them who’s their master.

When we look across American cities, why is the crime rate high, drug addiction high and unemployment high, while life expectancy and educational achievement are low? This is not by chance. Politics play a major part in all our lives. What we have is a very sophisticated and biased system and political structure that fails to serve all Americans. Very few of these politicians are directly affected by these problems. In too many cases they just don’t care. Until these elected officials begin to serve the needs of society first and put their political greed aside these problems will continue to grow.

Every year lawmakers respond to the increase of crime by building more prisons and imposing stiffer penalties. Does the crime rate increase because the same criminals are committing more crime, or is it that more crimes are being committed by more criminals? Judging from the overcrowding of prisons and county jails, we can say this system is creating more criminals. We all know some politicians, law enforcement agents and some major business owners commit more crimes than the majority of people in prison.

The age of the criminal offender decreases yearly. Much too often children today take upon themselves the responsibility to provide for themselves. In most cases, these children look to the street for help and ofter become mixed up in some form of illegal activity. Most of these children are coming from the inner cities and in most cases the families are dysfunctional. The end result is usually the beginning of a criminal career, which leads to juvenile hall, youth authority and ultimately prison. Although longer sentences are being imposed, the crime rate is steadily increasing and more prisons continued to be built. The juvenile justice system does not work, and the prison system is not working. You cannot solve a problem by creating another problem. A person is sent to prison to be punished, and that person is punished in many ways. Not only is that person punished, but so is the family. A wife loses a husband. A mother loses a child. A child loses a parent.

Nowadays, as jobs are being exported and the market for jobs is getting smaller, we are seeing more people with college degrees resort to illegal activities in order to make ends meet. In some cases you will find grandparents selling drugs, and the fast money has little to do with it.

We cannot allow our thoughts and actions to continue to be manipulated by a sophisticated fascist political system whose agenda of population control dictates the law of the land.

We need your courage. We need your capabilities. We need your commitment. Let’s stop this vicious cycle of incarceration and destruction. Let’s hold the real criminals accountable.

Thank you,

Raise UP!

I see a roof over my head,
An empty stomach fed
With meat, gravy and cornbread.

I can still smell the Royal Crown in the air,
Sizzling while the hot comb flows through her hair.

By hook or by crook
My sweet lady will provide for me
Without a second look
She’ll ride, die and lie for me.

When she rules the world
I’m a king amongst kings
Only she can define what a real man means.

Who do you think inspired the cave man’s fire,
Supported his will to create the wheel?
Death before dishonor was influenced because of the way she made him feel.

Time stands still,
Without her universal existence
And if you want to know from experience
Ask  lonely man in prison.

See there’s no me without you!
And it may sound like square biz
But I’ve known some of the flyest players on this planet who fell for you,
Changed for you
And some went stone cold crazy.

So amazing you are
Like rainbows in the sky;
Life would have no meaning without you.
Must one even question why?

That’s why
I’m do or die for Mrs. Right
The lady in my life
My if only for one night.
I’d pull the trigger and push the knife!
If riots it insights
Or kingdoms come crumbling down,
It was worth the extreme measures to share the gift we found.
Our souls are bound like CO2 and H2O
Angelic and majestic beneath your crown.

Your beauty I consume each and every time I stop to bow.
Your elevation is my liberation;
Man’s final frontier for seeds to sow

The warrior’s warrior,
Who fights for he who has lost all hope!
A thousand names you have claimed
And my Goddess is the closest I could quote
To define how proud I am of that which you have done.
Above all that I have wrote,
You are appreciated!

When we examine the standing condition of our people with and in the world, what type of position are we in?

Someone has destroyed the social institutions of the so-called clack man, wiping away our identity and leaving us with no self-sustaining educational and religious centers to replenish the identity of our people. Instead, we have been left the educational and religious centers of a foreign identity. We are miseducated and in constant conflict with our true God.

Even in more isolated institutions such as prison, the so-called black man is broken and confused. The only organized  structure you find here is amongst other racial groups and prison gangs. Seeming that we make up up to 50% of the Federal Bureau of Prisons’ population, other smaller groups are forced to unite for safety and survival. We still somehow manage to hate each other and divide ourselves by hoods, sets and geography. Extorting, robbing, hurting, and killing each other in innumerable ways. We have failed and continue to fail to recognize our purpose and the magnitude of our dilemma.

If we have no concept of identity, the so-called black man will continue to perpetuate the miseducation bestowed upon us and act in accordance with the stereotypes which have come to define us. In turn, we train our children to perfect the same designed behaviors.

Learn your identity. Help your kids learn theirs. Give them something and someone with whom they can identify. They need to know self and society in order to live life to the fullest.

What’s good? Hopefully, all is well on your end of things. I’d like to believe that you’re enjoying your life at the age you currently are right now, while you have no real responsibilities other than to follow the rules established by your guardians. I’d like to hope that you’re not plotting to make an entrance into the wrong side of life; feeling like you may have to try your hand. All the crap everybody else is saying is their reality is not yours. Let’s hope that is not the case. On some real shit, prisons have enough brothers. There are so many of us in here, they’re beginning to make room for three to four people in one cell. Parole officials are not interested in the changes brothers have made. It could be 20-years in prison straight without charges, and they’ll bring up old stuff you did twenty years ago to deny you an early release. So as the old saying goes: “Once they got you, they got you.”

But you ain’t that next new number behind the walls. Maybe I’m just talking, and you’re plotting on which college you’ll play football or basketball for. Perhaps, lil sis, you’re starting to learn you have a voice and an escape route away from the hell of many to be a bright, beautiful and shining star. Maybe what you’re looking for is a way to express yourself in a better way and move closer to your dream; rather than having children before you develop yourself. I’d like to believe you’re not already too far gone. I’d like to hope your mind is not made up before your mind has been raised up. I’d like to hope you’re not over-exaggeratedly tattooed up and creating ways that will get you discriminated against. If you’re going to play, play to win! That means making decisions that are good for you; not just in the short term or in terms of feeling good, but in terms of longevity.

Everybody has dreams. Ask any good mother or father you’ve witnessed fall from their own moral high ground and succumb to addictions or other activities that bring about self destruction and just ask them if they planned that. No one plans their downfall. As you may hear, it just happened. Well, hey, life happened. And it went from being fun to being a burden. It can go from having control and knowing what you’re doing to being a victim of what you used to look at as fun. But check this out- that ain’t you though, right? Nah because you have bigger plans. You have vision. You have dreams. The hood isn’t your final destination. Let’s all have faith in that and leave it at that!

I want to end like this: If you’re still alive and young, and not in prison, it’s your time! It’s your choice! Raise UP! Don’t be like the people who have fallen who used to be just like you….

In the struggle,

Teflon

Continuation from Article 2 (in previous post):

Threat of unrest at prisons spurs lockdown
by Rick Hepp, Star-Ledger Staff (Article appeared in June 20, 2006 Star-Ledger)

Acting on a tip that four state prisons could face potential disturbances in the near future, Corrections Commissioner George Hayman has ordered inmates at those facilities confined to their cells until investigators determine whether the threats are credible, authorities said yesterday.

The move came after Corrections officials received information Sunday of possible inmate “incidents or disturbances” at Northern State Prison in Newark, East Jersey State Prison in Woodbridge, New Jersey State Prison in Trenton and South Woods State Prison in Bridgeton, spokesman Matthew Schuman said.

Schuman declined to describe the nature of the threat or how the information surfaced.

“There are some questions about the credibility (of the threats), but you’d rather be safe than sorry,” Schuman said.

Officers in the department’s special investigations division began their search of the grounds at the four prisons yesterday, but it was unclear whether the search would include all cells, Schuman said.

In the meantime, inmates will be confined to their cells except for meals, medical emergencies and parole hearings, Schuman said. Recreation time and public visits have been canceled until further notice.

***

When I first heard the news,
Choking back tears was not an easy thing to do;
Rest in Peace Daniel, Rachel, Charlotte- oh, and Catherine too
The freckles on my nose make me think of you;
From James Mattioli, Grace, Jack Armistead an Josephine;
The young genius Noah and Arielle the Harry Potter fan who sported red and loved to read;
To Dylan, Madeline, Nancy, Caroline, and Lauren;
And to an outstanding first grade teacher Ms. Victoria Soto,
In Room 210!!

It is a shame that it takes tragedy in order to be centered;
Gone but never forgotten
Each and everyone of you we’ll always remember.

“Deep silence and lonely longing unfreezes the all prolific mind”

- Austin Osman Spare

At times I talk to myself like I’m talking to y’all. The conversations bounce off my mental walls like handball. I now understand all that glitters ain’t gold and that I’d been selling my soul. Now, I’m fighting to buy it back! No longer will I watch those who appear to be just like me die every day and then wish I could bring them back. It has come clear many of us have grown accustom to our environment and surroundings- our Comfort Zone. A Comfort Zone that consists of insecurity, jealously, lies, deceit and outright negativity. But the moment we enter a room filled with love, compassion, knowledge, growth, support, and positivity; all of a sudden we’re not comfortable. It becomes man I don’t want to hear that shit. See, after looking over my own life, I realize a lot of us are shell-shocked and traumatized by our cultural roots and the street wars we’ve been engaged-“The War on Drugs”, “The War against Gangs” and “The War against Crime”. We’re no different than the soldiers coming home from the wars in Iraq or Afghanistan with signs “Post-Traumatic Stress”. But our Post-Traumatic Disorder can run far deeper than just years in the multiple wars previously mentioned. Our issues can run as far back as the home environment in which we were raised. Some of us come from homes and families that are truly dysfunctional. Some don’t know it or have yet to identify it. Because we’ve been raised to identify peace, happiness and our “Comfort Zone” in environments filled with violence, anger and dysfunction.

For example my son’s and daughter’s grandmother is a first grade school teacher and an alcoholic. During her lunch break she comes home, fixes a drink, then goes back to her class under the influence. And then after school, she comes home gets drunk and acts a fool until she passes out. Now for years I watched her maintain this pattern, never skipping a beat. After so long it became normal. Not to say I agreed with how she would go from Dr. Jekyll to Mrs. Hyde. But I’d grown “comfortable” with these antics and her alcohol addiction. That’s because I was accustomed to seeing it in my environment every day. Whether it was her or amongst my homeboys, it was normal to me. See the truth is, at the time, I never felt concern or pity for her. I never had any compassion for her weakness. I actually thought what she was doing was funny. I looked forward to her drunken tirades and watching her self-destruct. But what I didn’t see was how her “Comfort Zone” could and would have an affect on my own children who, since my incarceration, are being raised in this same environment I thought was normal. See, my daughter started drinking at the age of 10, started having sex at 13 and went to jail at 15. Her MySpace page speaks of her being bi-sexual and how she likes to drink and use drugs. Me and my daughter had an open and honest relationship. She used to feel like she could tell me anything because I never judged her for the mistakes she’s made. She understands even when I disagree with her, I love her unconditionally. But the moment I try to address the root of the problem, stress doing things differently or tell her she can accomplish positive things, she becomes “uncomfortable”; and then it’s time for our conversation to end. We’re no longer close. Our relationship is now distant because I’ve grown to be the voice of reason, change and positivity in her world of pure negative influence. What I realized is she’s shell-shocked like most of us. She’s comfortable talking about who got killed in the hood, drugs, sex, jealousy, envy, who she hates, and all the negative things she wants to do. She loves the man that destroyed the lives of many and didn’t care how his actions affected others. That’s who she relates to as Daddy. But the father who wants to know why she started drinking or when did you figure out you were bi-sexual or when are you going to change or what type of example are you setting for your little brother is the cause of silence and “Daddy I got to go”. What affects me most is I see a lot of myself in my daughter. So I started searching and finding the answers to the questions I was asking her. I started by asking myself how, why and what would cause her to live the life she has chosen.

My conclusion was this: comfort/Comfort Zones, more times than not, equal stagnation, fear, ignorance, self-destruction and self-doubt. Those who get too comfortable with themselves or the life they’re living are individuals who are unable to grow or refuse to embrace any form of change.

If your Comfort Zone is getting drunk and high, telling lies and listening to war stories about death and destruction, then your stagnated and dealing with some sort of post-traumatic disorder. See when you weigh comfortable and uncomfortable, you’ll discover that discomfort is where you find strength. It’s where and when we gain knowledge. It’s what makes success worth achieving. Diamonds are formed by pressure. Gold is discovered in rock and, chances are, the deeper you dig, the more gold you discovered. Every seed must be planted, then it must break through the soil, stand in the Sun and Rain, and survive the weeds attacking it’s growth and development in order to bare fruit.

It was your mother’s ability and willingness to endure discomfort and not to remain in her “Comfort Zone” that allows you to live and breathe today. What I have realized is comfort is not always the friend it portrays itself to be. Comfort can be the cause of obesity, emotional neglect and bad habits. The effects of this sort of comfort will only lead to the unwanted discomfort of bad health, mental illness and prison. But the discomfort of dealing with all things in a proactive and positive way will only make you better, wiser and stronger. So from this point on, embrace the challenge of discomfort and being uncomfortable. Strive harder when pressure is upon you. Fight for light when surrounded by darkness. There are billions of oysters at the bottom of the ocean floor. Out of the billions of oysters that lay on the ocean floor, each and every shell must be cracked in order to find the pearl that lies within. “It is what it is”; “That’s just how I am”; and “I’m straight!” constitute the shell keeping the jewel within you from shining. Simply put: until you STOP finding your “Comfort Zone” or worth in the oyster, you will never leave the bottom of the Sea.